I'm depressed. I hate it.
This happens every so often. I am certain there is a rhyme or reason that I am just unaware of. Hormones, lunar cycles, whatever. I've never been able to pin it down.
I notice it creeping up on me. The need for a pep talk and running through a list of pros and cons of calling in sick before I get out of bed. (Note: kids are GREAT for this. I have to get up no matter what, so I might as well just go to work!)
It becomes a vague dissatisfaction with everything. Mostly, a constant, low level yearning for MORE. More what I don't exactly know. More help from the kids dad. More attention from my friends. More from the people I love. The bitch of it is that there is never enough more. You literally cannot love me enough to fix it, because thats an external solution to an internal problem. It has taken me years to learn that - years and relationships. I want to shout "I'M UNHAPPY!!! MAKE IT BETTER!!!" but there really isn't any point, because you can't.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Replaced
Zachary started kindergarten.
I feel so lucky that he has Drew's kindergarten teacher. She is wonderful - smart, sweet, kind, loving. Basically everything you want your kids kindergarten teacher to be.
She is also, as Zachary REPEATEDLY mentions, prettier than me.
Me: Zachary, are you liking kindergarten?
Zachary: Yes! I love Miss Rinehart!
Me: Yeah, she is very nice, isn't she?
Zachary: Yes. And also prettier than you.
Me: Well, I'm glad you like her and think she is nice.
Zachary: And prettier.
Me: Yes. Well. She *is* very pretty, but it is more important that she is smart and kind and wants to help you learn.
Zachary: And she is pretty. I think I won't marry you, I will marry her.
Oh for fucks sake.
I GET THE PICTURE KID.
I feel so lucky that he has Drew's kindergarten teacher. She is wonderful - smart, sweet, kind, loving. Basically everything you want your kids kindergarten teacher to be.
She is also, as Zachary REPEATEDLY mentions, prettier than me.
Me: Zachary, are you liking kindergarten?
Zachary: Yes! I love Miss Rinehart!
Me: Yeah, she is very nice, isn't she?
Zachary: Yes. And also prettier than you.
Me: Well, I'm glad you like her and think she is nice.
Zachary: And prettier.
Me: Yes. Well. She *is* very pretty, but it is more important that she is smart and kind and wants to help you learn.
Zachary: And she is pretty. I think I won't marry you, I will marry her.
Oh for fucks sake.
I GET THE PICTURE KID.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
2 Years
It's been two years since my father died. Everyone says the first year is the hardest. I don't know how true that is. The first year was punctuated with tiny moments of relief – oh, I got through the first Fathers Day/birthday/Christmas without dad! The second year was harder in a way, as the loss settled in and became just a part of who I am. With the Alzheimers, I feel like we have been grieving tiny losses and missing my dad for years, ever since his diagnoses, as he slowly lost himself bit by bit. I don't feel like I miss him any less now. Differently, perhaps.
On some perfect sunny days, I still think "I need to call Dad and have him meet me at Huts for lunch!" and then I realize all over again that he is gone, and the stark reality is that the opportunity to meet him for lunch has been gone for many more years. I miss stealing pens from his desk (or front pocket; I had no shame!). I missed him when I was at the hospital with Drew, waiting for whatever procedure was going on to be over. Dad was a champion waiter in stressful situations. He always had a book, and he could sit for hours, never being annoying or talking too much, just being there steady as granite, there just in case you needed a cup of coffee or a walk. His presence was a comfort always, and I feel so much less grounded waiting on my own.
There are still a handful of songs I can't listen to while driving.
I pass both the Alzheimers home where he died and his sculpture on MoPac daily. I remember that last weekend of his life; the weekend of waiting. Of how ready we all felt we were before he passed and how totally unprepared and shocked we all felt after. I remember my friends gentle love and care for me and their tears on my behalf, and the love in the room at dads memorial.
After all this time, I still can't quite wrap my head around how someone can be there one minute and gone the next. Where did the essence of who he was GO? What happens in the vacuum left behind? I tell Drew & Zak that as long as we remember Granddaddy and his love he is still with us.
Some days I am more convincing than others.
On some perfect sunny days, I still think "I need to call Dad and have him meet me at Huts for lunch!" and then I realize all over again that he is gone, and the stark reality is that the opportunity to meet him for lunch has been gone for many more years. I miss stealing pens from his desk (or front pocket; I had no shame!). I missed him when I was at the hospital with Drew, waiting for whatever procedure was going on to be over. Dad was a champion waiter in stressful situations. He always had a book, and he could sit for hours, never being annoying or talking too much, just being there steady as granite, there just in case you needed a cup of coffee or a walk. His presence was a comfort always, and I feel so much less grounded waiting on my own.
There are still a handful of songs I can't listen to while driving.
I pass both the Alzheimers home where he died and his sculpture on MoPac daily. I remember that last weekend of his life; the weekend of waiting. Of how ready we all felt we were before he passed and how totally unprepared and shocked we all felt after. I remember my friends gentle love and care for me and their tears on my behalf, and the love in the room at dads memorial.
After all this time, I still can't quite wrap my head around how someone can be there one minute and gone the next. Where did the essence of who he was GO? What happens in the vacuum left behind? I tell Drew & Zak that as long as we remember Granddaddy and his love he is still with us.
Some days I am more convincing than others.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Take Action
Today September 21st is Alzheimers Action Day. My dad died June 5th of Alzheimers disease.
I think of him every damn day, and I remember the pain of watching him slip away from us and from himself. I still find myself turning the fact that he is gone over and over in my head, just trying to make sense of how he was here, but now he’s not. All that intelligence and kindness and humor and all those hugs, just gone. I occasionally wake up in the middle of the night and realize, all at once like it is the very first time, that I will never hug my dad again. I am unable to sleep the rest of the night, the magnitude of that thought is just too large and looming to live with.
This is what I wrote for his memorial. It’s so weak a representation of who he was, but I can’t imagine anything I could write that would capture him.
First of all, I want to thank you all for coming. I know this is all a bit unconventional, but you all know my father so that can hardly be surprising. This is the sort of gathering he relished – people he loved in a place he loved, sitting back and enjoying each other, listening to some music, and having a laugh.
I see people here from every phase of my fathers life, and it really defines who he was as a person. That there are people here that he has known since grade school tells me that he was a good and loyal friend, his coworkers show me that he was a hard worker and well respected, and the special people who supported my mother and cared for him at the end of his life show me that even as the facets of his personality rounded and faded, there was something special about my father, some spark of humor and wit and honor and character that no one could fail to recognize or be drawn to. Alzheimers had a particularly specific kind of cruelty for my father, one of the most cerebral people I know, but even that juggernaut could not blunt his charm entirely.
I am here to celebrate my father, but I have to say that my heart is good and truly broken. I wanted to tell you a few stories about dad, but the reality is that I could never narrow it down to just a few. We took stained glass classes together and went on road trips. We learned to make arrowheads and he came to my kids pediatrician appointments. We went to Graceland and he took me to his office so I could see his work. We went to concerts and ball games and sewage treatment plants and Laguna Gloria. Quite simply, my father was always there, always a presence in my life.
When my first son was born I called my dad from the hospital, suddenly terrified of the responsibility looming over me, confident I was going to screw it all up and my dad told me “Julie, the only thing you need to give that baby is peanut butter, some dirt, and love.” Growing up, we all had ample supplies of each, and even when I was furious at my dad for whatever the perceived parental injustice of the day was, I never, ever doubted his love for me. Like most kids, I thoughtlessly took my dad for granted as a child, but as an adult I realize how lucky I am to not only have had a father that I loved and who loved me in return, but a father that I truly liked and who liked me right back.
When I was very young, I was a really horrible sleeper. Late in the night one winter, my dad came to my room and without a word bundled me into my jacket and put me in the car. He drove and drove to the outskirts of Austin, put me on the hood of the car, and told me to look up. There was an amazing meteor shower that night, and we watched the shooting stars together for a good long while, and then he took me home and tucked me back into bed. That was the sort of thing my dad did well – the unexpected, special moments, the random postcard or short story that showed up in the mail, handing you the most perfect gift you never knew you had always wanted.
I will long for my father when I read a great book I want to talk about, hear a Van Morrison song, get frustrated by a math problem of any kind, eat a Theta burger at Huts, or see any of the million places we went to together in Austin. So pretty much always. But especially when I see a shooting star.
I think of him every damn day, and I remember the pain of watching him slip away from us and from himself. I still find myself turning the fact that he is gone over and over in my head, just trying to make sense of how he was here, but now he’s not. All that intelligence and kindness and humor and all those hugs, just gone. I occasionally wake up in the middle of the night and realize, all at once like it is the very first time, that I will never hug my dad again. I am unable to sleep the rest of the night, the magnitude of that thought is just too large and looming to live with.
This is what I wrote for his memorial. It’s so weak a representation of who he was, but I can’t imagine anything I could write that would capture him.
First of all, I want to thank you all for coming. I know this is all a bit unconventional, but you all know my father so that can hardly be surprising. This is the sort of gathering he relished – people he loved in a place he loved, sitting back and enjoying each other, listening to some music, and having a laugh.
I see people here from every phase of my fathers life, and it really defines who he was as a person. That there are people here that he has known since grade school tells me that he was a good and loyal friend, his coworkers show me that he was a hard worker and well respected, and the special people who supported my mother and cared for him at the end of his life show me that even as the facets of his personality rounded and faded, there was something special about my father, some spark of humor and wit and honor and character that no one could fail to recognize or be drawn to. Alzheimers had a particularly specific kind of cruelty for my father, one of the most cerebral people I know, but even that juggernaut could not blunt his charm entirely.
I am here to celebrate my father, but I have to say that my heart is good and truly broken. I wanted to tell you a few stories about dad, but the reality is that I could never narrow it down to just a few. We took stained glass classes together and went on road trips. We learned to make arrowheads and he came to my kids pediatrician appointments. We went to Graceland and he took me to his office so I could see his work. We went to concerts and ball games and sewage treatment plants and Laguna Gloria. Quite simply, my father was always there, always a presence in my life.
When my first son was born I called my dad from the hospital, suddenly terrified of the responsibility looming over me, confident I was going to screw it all up and my dad told me “Julie, the only thing you need to give that baby is peanut butter, some dirt, and love.” Growing up, we all had ample supplies of each, and even when I was furious at my dad for whatever the perceived parental injustice of the day was, I never, ever doubted his love for me. Like most kids, I thoughtlessly took my dad for granted as a child, but as an adult I realize how lucky I am to not only have had a father that I loved and who loved me in return, but a father that I truly liked and who liked me right back.
When I was very young, I was a really horrible sleeper. Late in the night one winter, my dad came to my room and without a word bundled me into my jacket and put me in the car. He drove and drove to the outskirts of Austin, put me on the hood of the car, and told me to look up. There was an amazing meteor shower that night, and we watched the shooting stars together for a good long while, and then he took me home and tucked me back into bed. That was the sort of thing my dad did well – the unexpected, special moments, the random postcard or short story that showed up in the mail, handing you the most perfect gift you never knew you had always wanted.
I will long for my father when I read a great book I want to talk about, hear a Van Morrison song, get frustrated by a math problem of any kind, eat a Theta burger at Huts, or see any of the million places we went to together in Austin. So pretty much always. But especially when I see a shooting star.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Commitmentphobe
Last night, Drew crawled into my lap like a baby as I was reading. He is getting too old and big and strong and grown up for me to force him to hang out with me because I am his mother and not a video game or SpongeBob, so I really enjoyed it. I started kissing his face all over, you know, since no one was looking and all.
Drew: Mommy! Eww! It’s like we’re dating or something?
Me: Like we are dating? Huh? What’s dating to you? What do you know about dating?
Drew: It’s like when boys and girls touch each other and kiss all the time or get married.
Me: I thought you wanted to get married to me.
Drew: Mommy. I am six years old!!!!!
Apparently the commitment phobia starts early. Next year he’ll be seven, then ten, then fifteen, and I am just sitting around waiting forever, my best years behind me, until he meets some harlot in pigtails his own age and bails, leaving me in my tattered wedding dress, a 21st century Miss Havisham, crumbling in front of a mirror while they go out to the movies or whatever TOTALLY INNOCENT ACTIVITY fifteen year olds are up to in 2021. Maybe sock hops will come back in vogue.
Sigh.
Drew: Mommy! Eww! It’s like we’re dating or something?
Me: Like we are dating? Huh? What’s dating to you? What do you know about dating?
Drew: It’s like when boys and girls touch each other and kiss all the time or get married.
Me: I thought you wanted to get married to me.
Drew: Mommy. I am six years old!!!!!
Apparently the commitment phobia starts early. Next year he’ll be seven, then ten, then fifteen, and I am just sitting around waiting forever, my best years behind me, until he meets some harlot in pigtails his own age and bails, leaving me in my tattered wedding dress, a 21st century Miss Havisham, crumbling in front of a mirror while they go out to the movies or whatever TOTALLY INNOCENT ACTIVITY fifteen year olds are up to in 2021. Maybe sock hops will come back in vogue.
Sigh.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Maybe they should.......
I love to listen to Zachary talk to his friends when I pick him up from school. The conversations have absolutely no commonality. Z is talking about acorns, and how he is not allowed to bring them inside school. Nathan is yelling that he needs a hug RIGHT NOW. Ben is eating play doh, and yet still shouting to participate in the conversation, you just can’t tell what he is saying over the mound of yellow clay in his mouth.
Listening to 3 year old boys talk to each other is like watching commentators on FOX news. Everyone randomly shouts, no ones ideas make any logical sense, no one is listening, and their gender politics are both rigid and misogynistic. The only substantive difference is that FOX guys talk about Ironman way less.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Passing
I was able to spend the last days of my dads life by his side, and I will always be greatful for that. I read him some Mark Twain, we listened to some Van Morrison and some U2, and I told him over and over again how much I loved him. Many of his lifelong friends (some since middle school) were able to come see him as well. The hospice nurse woke my mom at shortly before 5 to tell her it was time, and she was able to hold his hand and talk him through his last breaths. She said it was very peaceful, and he wasn't afraid.
My dad was a great man. Opinionated, flawed, smart as hell, and terribly funny. I consider myself terribly lucky to have had him, and to have had a father who I genuinely loved to spend time with. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that one moment my dad was here, and now he isn't. I want to say I am doing ok, but my heart is good and truly broken.
He didnt want a funeral, so we are having a memorial later this month at a local beer garten he used to go to all the time. I remember being there when I was 5 or 6, begging for quarters for the juke box and I remember having nachos with him there as recently as right before he went to live at the residential home. I think he'd really like that location.
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