I am so fucking tired of Alzheimer's disease. I fucking hate it. HATE. I just had to sit through a healthy eating course at work, which is fine, but they kept mentioning Alz as something diet could prevent. And frankly, I have done a lot of research, and that's just not true a lot of the time, and it pissed me off in a "why are you blaming the victim here?" kind of way. Dad liked ice cream and so he earned it? Fuck you. (And yeah, I get that's not what they are saying rationally, but irrationally it pissed me off.) I am tired of worrying about whether or not I am going to get it, and put my kids through this bullshit. Or my sisters. I shit you not, I considered staying with Cliff because I was so afraid of that. I still am. Every time I get a word on the tip of my tongue but can't quite get it or forget a street name, I think about it. Every time. Looking at places for my dad is killing me. I keep imagining him, at bedtime, wondering why he is there and not at home, looking for my mother, wondering why we left him there. I am just so, so angry. And there's no one to be angry AT. That's the hard part.
